Mum Guilt on a new level!

This day.

Four years ago.

On our way to the hospital.

Having more of an idea then our first delivery (I say our cos you know hubby’s do a lot of the delivery work ), although having many more mixed emotions….
Excited to meet the new little bundle will it be blue or pink, scared cos I already knew what labour was like….I knew what I would be in for…but would it be worse? More painful? Slower? And then guilt. Guilt that we were driving up leaving our precious little 19month old at home.
Bringing a sibling in to her life. Was it too soon?? Had I wasted her first 19months spending the last 10 being pregnant? Then the other kind of guilt… would I love this baby as much as I loved Olivia?? How could I. surely my heart wasn’t that big.
I remember asking Ryan so many times “how can you love both of your kids equally?” He just smiled back and said “you just do”. Really helpful Ryan….REALLY EFFING HELPFUL!
But annoyingly he was right. You do.
I don’t love one more then the other. Ever. I have never felt that, the guilt is still there, it always is as a parent….even after talking to my mum 30 years later there is still guilt.
But as I sit here and think about how much my life has changed having Isabella bless our family with her sass and determination. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Although I have another level of guilt today, today marks Isabella’s birthday. But at the beginning of the week I decided to tell her it was tomorrow. Mainly because her father isn’t here due to work to celebrate but will be back in the weeeeeee hours of Thursday morning. So rather then spending her birthday at a place she doesn’t really like (daycare) with people she isn’t extremely fond of and her dad not here. I thought we would move it to Thursday and have one on one mummy daddy and Bella time and indulge  her with time and attention… you know I wouldn’t want her to have middle child syndrome!
So go ahead. Judge away.
Yeop. I have told a little white lie to my now 4 year old that her birthday is tomorrow. In my eyes, it’s a better day for her.
Like a dear friend said to me today, a loving and vivacious 4 year old!

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